And thus abreast on the streets, forthwith and unbearingly on destination for my place of employment, the thought of insecurity struck swiftly, and I rushed home to lock my front door. Ironically, I had no front door. Having failed to remember what it was I felt pressed to do, I sped off suddenly into the living room without any preconceived avail and stumbled dumbfoundedly over a pyramid of edamame cans which I had painstakingly placed there the day before, if only to incite my imagination, which was actually quite bleak.
The next several hours are absolutely gone.
My memory was restored when I was sitting in the chair at the barber, as he so meticulously crafted my follicles into a fine and perfect form. The depths of craftmanship to which he delved were such that I was moved to tears, and I began to convulse in the aural thought of materialistic beauty on the floor, as though entranced by an unfamiliar thought. Moronically, I threw a fist of paper pounds at him and skipped freely out of the front door of the barber's office and into the street, where I forgot how to maintain clothes on my body, and soon found myself sprinting madly through the streets absolutely naked.
Soon a merry chase took its turn, and I was on the run from a gaggle of men in tall, round hats who all carried wooden clubs. Still madly I dashed, until I came upon my home, which had no front door. Acting quickly, I ran upstairs and quite painstakingly assembled my elephant rifle, only to find the constables had all returned to duty. It then struck my mind that, in fact, they were only chasing me until I found a more reasonable place to be naked. But soon I forgot how to let go of a rifle, and soon after that, I had forgotten how to not fire it in all directions insanely on the roof of my town house.
Oh, by the eye of Jove and his kinsmen, the constables were at me again! But I was quick on my feet! Leaping from rooftop to rooftop, I had forgotten how to hold a rifle and instead employed the simple act of fleeing, at which I professed quite exotically, that is, in a very failed sort of way.
The succeeding memory is of me falling from the roof, having reached the great roundabout at the end of my row, and being completely unable to leap upwards of a hundred metres. Forgetting how to undergo pain and anatomical destruction, I carried on, and soon forgot how to have no clothes and be chased by constables. By some unexplainable impulse, I forgot that gravity applies to automobiles, and promptly kicked a taxicab into a nearby coffee shop, whereat my mother was drinking tea. I felt it necessary to remember how to kill my loved ones, or so they should have been, for my mother was quite horsey.
Having completed these simple chores, I resumed my seat in Parliament the following day and passed a bill outlawing soup.
Friday, October 22, 2010
My Trip to Wal-Mart by Eric Smitherson
I think all of you will agree that being a single father is really tough. I have a job, I have to look after two kids, and I really have no time to myself anymore. Ever since my girlfriend left me, I've been seriously struggling.
But all of this turned around when I found a window of time, during which I decided to kill two birds with one stone by taking my kids on a fun trip to the funnest place on earth while, at the same time, getting groceries. This was going to be a whole lot of fun.
The entrance to Wal-Mart is very grand and magnificent. On my walk up to the front door, I brushed shoulders with some guy, and immediately punched him out on the spot as violently as I possibly could. I held the hands of my children and made them watch the pool of blood form around his face. I also got some of his blood on their hands. They were in it now. We weren't even to the front door before we found a whole element of fun.
The front door is too assuming. They'll probably have someone waiting there to say hello to us, or there'll be someone collecting money for a good cause like charity. That's all bullshit. Greeters are just the KGB in disguise, and charity collectors are Jews who really take all the money home and spend it on Adam Sandler DVD's, and sometimes even VHS's.
So my kids and I decided (well, I decided, haha) to dash around the back of the building and climb up a vent to get in through the roof. I prayed to Satan that there would be no greeters in the air ducts. Unfortunately, a few truckers saw us and I had to murder them all in the coldest of lifewaters. After drawing pentagrams around their bodies and properly disposing of the gloves, my children and I climbed up the ladder to the roof.
Once on the top, we had to be very quiet, or else they would hear us clopping around. We had to try real hard not to be clumsy! As soon as I found the airduct, I ripped it open with my bare hands (which gave me some bad lacerations!) and threw my children down. After they both thudded, I told them to find some shelter, because I was droppin in this bitch. It wasn't that deep, but my children were still scared. I reassured them that Satan doesn't care about that which they fear, and so they shouldn't either. We moved on hastily, because we had a lot of adventuring to do.
We found an airduct that led into the storage area of the store and found an unassuming corner to drop into. We wiped our hands on the vent walls until they were pretty much free of blood and then dropped on top of a stack of mattresses, quickly making our way to the floor. We were found by an employee, and I told her we were looking for the bathroom. Because she sasses us about the bathroom being nowhere near here, she perished as well. I suffocated her in my taint and left her to rot between a couple of mattresses before moving closer to the showroom floor and then asking where the bathroom was. We were promptly directed. Because the employee who guided us was such a fine young thing, I decided to spend the next hour fucking her senseless in the men's bathroom. Unfortunately, she made a lot of noise, so I had to beat her vocal cords useless. Under mountains of fear, she began to panic, so I killed her to end her suffering. The kids were waiting patiently by the time I was done.
We spent the next hour or so laughing around and picking out food we wanted, and just all around splurging on random stuff we didn't need. We were having a lot of fun. Eventually, we decided to take a walk through the underwear sections and share some immature shenanigans. But God help me, when I looked over and saw a fat West-Virginian mutant family giving me a mean eye at us then moving on as though they owned the loam that is Satan's green allowance, it was motherfucking on. I grabbed my childrens' hands and led them towards the family. We followed them for a long time until they panicked. The dad came up and tried to punch me. I dodged, and he hit his fist on the side of a shelf, which must have hurt pretty bad.
Then people tried to carry him off, but he was kind of an old guy, and really didn't know how to deal. I egged him on with insults, and he lunged at me. In self defense, I "accidentally" murdered him. We sorted it out with the police for the next few hours and promised to appear in court. As the family and us parted ways, I gave the disturbed mother the evilest eye I could possibly conjure.
She killed herself the next day.
We all decided we really wanted to go camping, and so we spent the night in a tent in the camping equipment section. Through the night, I repeated Lovecraftian chants to them until they screamed for forgiveness. On first light, we emerged and murdered a clerk who asked why we were there. Unfortunately, our fervent crusade ended here, as the cops came to claim us for all this murdering we were doing.
Welp, there was only one thing I could do. There are times when a dad really has to have a serious moment and console his kids, think back on his life, and imagine what life would be like without these blessings. And so I harvested the souls of the police officers and set aflame the brains of everyone in the vicinity. So stupidly they stumbled around in their thoughtless stupor, screaming screams that were inhuman and nonsensical on every level. Soon, the fire spread to the ground, and I soon decided to engulf the entire store in a great inferno.
Hovering above the fantastic flamed (which rose about fifty feet), I picked up the firetrucks from the ground and flung them about like Magneto from X-Men. By the will of the Prince of Darkness, we flew through the clouds and rained hell upon the peaceful community which so faithfully vested itself in the will of the lord. Soon, crevices split the loam, and demons aided me in my crusade.
Earth didn't make it past the seventh hour.
I'll never forget that day, the day my kids and I just found a day to have some fun.
Hail Satan.
But all of this turned around when I found a window of time, during which I decided to kill two birds with one stone by taking my kids on a fun trip to the funnest place on earth while, at the same time, getting groceries. This was going to be a whole lot of fun.
The entrance to Wal-Mart is very grand and magnificent. On my walk up to the front door, I brushed shoulders with some guy, and immediately punched him out on the spot as violently as I possibly could. I held the hands of my children and made them watch the pool of blood form around his face. I also got some of his blood on their hands. They were in it now. We weren't even to the front door before we found a whole element of fun.
The front door is too assuming. They'll probably have someone waiting there to say hello to us, or there'll be someone collecting money for a good cause like charity. That's all bullshit. Greeters are just the KGB in disguise, and charity collectors are Jews who really take all the money home and spend it on Adam Sandler DVD's, and sometimes even VHS's.
So my kids and I decided (well, I decided, haha) to dash around the back of the building and climb up a vent to get in through the roof. I prayed to Satan that there would be no greeters in the air ducts. Unfortunately, a few truckers saw us and I had to murder them all in the coldest of lifewaters. After drawing pentagrams around their bodies and properly disposing of the gloves, my children and I climbed up the ladder to the roof.
Once on the top, we had to be very quiet, or else they would hear us clopping around. We had to try real hard not to be clumsy! As soon as I found the airduct, I ripped it open with my bare hands (which gave me some bad lacerations!) and threw my children down. After they both thudded, I told them to find some shelter, because I was droppin in this bitch. It wasn't that deep, but my children were still scared. I reassured them that Satan doesn't care about that which they fear, and so they shouldn't either. We moved on hastily, because we had a lot of adventuring to do.
We found an airduct that led into the storage area of the store and found an unassuming corner to drop into. We wiped our hands on the vent walls until they were pretty much free of blood and then dropped on top of a stack of mattresses, quickly making our way to the floor. We were found by an employee, and I told her we were looking for the bathroom. Because she sasses us about the bathroom being nowhere near here, she perished as well. I suffocated her in my taint and left her to rot between a couple of mattresses before moving closer to the showroom floor and then asking where the bathroom was. We were promptly directed. Because the employee who guided us was such a fine young thing, I decided to spend the next hour fucking her senseless in the men's bathroom. Unfortunately, she made a lot of noise, so I had to beat her vocal cords useless. Under mountains of fear, she began to panic, so I killed her to end her suffering. The kids were waiting patiently by the time I was done.
We spent the next hour or so laughing around and picking out food we wanted, and just all around splurging on random stuff we didn't need. We were having a lot of fun. Eventually, we decided to take a walk through the underwear sections and share some immature shenanigans. But God help me, when I looked over and saw a fat West-Virginian mutant family giving me a mean eye at us then moving on as though they owned the loam that is Satan's green allowance, it was motherfucking on. I grabbed my childrens' hands and led them towards the family. We followed them for a long time until they panicked. The dad came up and tried to punch me. I dodged, and he hit his fist on the side of a shelf, which must have hurt pretty bad.
Then people tried to carry him off, but he was kind of an old guy, and really didn't know how to deal. I egged him on with insults, and he lunged at me. In self defense, I "accidentally" murdered him. We sorted it out with the police for the next few hours and promised to appear in court. As the family and us parted ways, I gave the disturbed mother the evilest eye I could possibly conjure.
She killed herself the next day.
We all decided we really wanted to go camping, and so we spent the night in a tent in the camping equipment section. Through the night, I repeated Lovecraftian chants to them until they screamed for forgiveness. On first light, we emerged and murdered a clerk who asked why we were there. Unfortunately, our fervent crusade ended here, as the cops came to claim us for all this murdering we were doing.
Welp, there was only one thing I could do. There are times when a dad really has to have a serious moment and console his kids, think back on his life, and imagine what life would be like without these blessings. And so I harvested the souls of the police officers and set aflame the brains of everyone in the vicinity. So stupidly they stumbled around in their thoughtless stupor, screaming screams that were inhuman and nonsensical on every level. Soon, the fire spread to the ground, and I soon decided to engulf the entire store in a great inferno.
Hovering above the fantastic flamed (which rose about fifty feet), I picked up the firetrucks from the ground and flung them about like Magneto from X-Men. By the will of the Prince of Darkness, we flew through the clouds and rained hell upon the peaceful community which so faithfully vested itself in the will of the lord. Soon, crevices split the loam, and demons aided me in my crusade.
Earth didn't make it past the seventh hour.
I'll never forget that day, the day my kids and I just found a day to have some fun.
Hail Satan.
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